Verse and worse

[Ian Price]

There was a young lady from Bude
Who went for a swim in the pond
A man in a punt
Shoved a pole up her nose
And said "you can't swim here, it's private"
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Said Hamlet to Ophelia,
I'll draw a sketch of thee,
What kind of pencil shall I use?
2B or not 2B?
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There was a young fellow named Cass
Who's balls were made out of brass
When they clanged together
They played 'Stormy Weather'
And lightning shot out of his ass
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Mozart was a great composer;
Spent his life composing
Now that he is dead and gone
He spends it decomposing.
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"Down by the dustbin, I met a dog called Jim.
He didn't know me and I didn't know him."
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[Dilwyn Jeffreys Phillips]

Subject: Modern Day Nursery Rhymes

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won a grand with Claims Direct

It's Raining, It's Pouring
Oh shit, it's Global Warming

Mary had a little lamb
The Doctor fainted

Jack and Jill went into town
To fetch some chips and sweeties
He can't keep his heart rate down
And she's got diabetes

Mary had a little lamb
her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
between two chunks of bread.


Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that crept up beside her
'twas Little Boy Blue with a horn.


Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man
"What have u got there?"
Said the pie man unto Simon
Pies you silly dickhead.


Mary had a little lamb
it ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its arse
and turned its wool to nylon

Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
he kissed them too ‘cos he was gay.


Jack and Jill
went up the hill
to have a little fun.
Jill, the dill,
forgot her pill,
and now they have a son.


Jack and Jill went up the hill
for just an itty bitty.
Jill's now two months overdue,
And Jack has left the city

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
The naughty Jack
grabbed her ass
now two of his teeth are missing


Mary had a little lamb
It's fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now its black and crispy


Mary had a little sheep
She took it to bed with her to sleep
The sheep turned out to be a ram
Now Mary has a little lamb


Spider, spider on the wall.
Ain't you got no sense at all?
Can't you see the walls been plastered?
Now you're stuck you silly Ba****d


There was a little girl,
Who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead...
And when she was good,
She was very, very good,
But when she was bad
She got a fur coat, jewels, a
Waterfront condo and a sports car.

1000 sticks of dynamite sitting on a wall
1000 sticks of dynamite sitting on a wall
And if one stick of dynamite should accidentally fall...
There'll be no sticks of dynamite and no f**king wall

Mirror, Mirror on the wall.
Who’s the fairest of them all?
The mirror laughed & den it spat-
It sure aint u.u ugly prat!

Mary Mary quite contrary how does your garden grow?
Listen you prat I live in a flat so how the damn do I know

[Dilwyn Jeffreys Phillips]

Little Bo-peep has lost her sheep
but I know where to find them.
They're in the deep freeze with packets of peas
neatly stacked behind them.