Welsh Humor

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Comment by Huw Davies on July 2, 2008 at 12:05pm

A big London lawyer came down duck hunting in Cardiganshire.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best and most famous Queens Counsels in England and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes down this way. We settle small disagreements like this with the "Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The Englishman quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the QC. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees, groaning. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh and steaming cow pat.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.

Comment by Tam Ryan on June 23, 2008 at 1:10am

In the hat shop

Dai Jones from Llandudno visited London for the first time. He wanted to buy a hat and the one he chose would cost him twenty pounds. He said to the shop assistant,

“Back home in Llandudno I could get a hat like this for five pounds.”

The assistant answered, “Well, we have large shop windows here and when the hats fade we send them to places like Llandudno. And by the way my wife comes from Llandudno. You may have known her. She was Ellen Jones, who lived at the mill.”

“Yes, I know her,” said Dai. “She was very pretty. I took her out many a time. But you know, when things get a bit faded in Llandudno we send them to London!”



No ambition

An English politician was giving a speech in Aberystwyth. He said,

“I was born an Englishman. I have been an Englishman all my life, and I will die an Englishman!”

“What’s wrong boyo?” shouted a voice from the crowd.” Got no ambition, have you?”



The parachute

A small airplane was flying across the Atlantic. It was carrying four passengers, a Welshman, a Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman. Suddenly the pilot announced,

“The engine caught fire. You will have to get parachutes from the storage cabinet and jump out!”

The Irishman grabbed a parachute, shouted, “God bless Ireland” and jumped out. Then the Scotsman strapped on a parachute, shouted, “Scotland the brave” and jumped out. Then the Welshman shouted, “Long live Wales” and threw the Englishman out without a parachute.


The collection

Colonel Johnson had been living in a Welsh village for fifteen years. The local people liked him even though he was English. One day, when he was working in the garden the vicar came up to him.

“Good morning Colonel. I don’t believe we’ve seen you in church yet.”

“Good morning Vicar. Well, I am an English speaker and your services are conducted in Welsh.”

“Yes,” said the vicar, “but the collection is in English!”




An American tourist in Wales

Rhys Parry, a taxi driver, was taking an American tourist from Bristol to Cardiff. When they were going over the Severn Bridge, the American told Rhys that he had a longer bridge on his ranch in Colorado. When they arrived in Cardiff, Rhys showed the tourist Cardiff Castle. The American said that his garage in Colorado was twice as big and only took a week to build. When the tourist spotted the Millennium Stadium, he asked Rhys what it was.

“I don’t know, mate, it wasn’t there this morning.”

A good-looking horse

An Englishman was walking down the street in Llandudno when he met Dai Davies standing beside a big strong horse.

“How much do you want for this horse?” asked the Englishman.

Dai Davies answered, “This horse doesn’t look good these days.”

The Englishman said, “I’ve been trading horses all my life and there’s nothing a country boy like you can tell me about them. Just name your price and let me be the judge of what’s good-looking and what’s not.”

“Two thousand pounds,” said Dai.

“Deal,” said the Englishman and bought the horse. When he was leading the horse, it walked right into a lamppost. The Englishman ran back to Dai and shouted,

“You didn’t tell me this horse was blind!”

Dai said, “But I told you this horse didn’t look good.”



A Russian tourist in Wales

One morning when Ianto Jones was walking to the post office in Llandudno he met a Russian tourist.

“I am looking for Dai,” said the tourist.

Ianto thought for a moment and asked,

“Dai the post?”

“No,” said the tourist.

“Dai the milk?”

“No,” said the tourist.

“Dai the bread?”

“No,” said the tourist and he whispered into Ianto’s ear,

“The sun shines brightly over the meadow.”

“Oh, you mean Dai the spy. He’s over there, in the pub.”

Comment by Gareth Williams on June 16, 2008 at 9:45am

Huw Davies joke about the Welsh miner going home for lunch is the best one I've heard for a very long time.

Comment by Gareth Williams on June 16, 2008 at 3:47am

Twm Llanerchymedd gets an MBE for his services to sheep breeding and is allowed to bring his mum, his sister and his wife to the palace garden party.
The queen comes up and asks to be introduced to them and he says 'here they are, say hello Catrin!"

Comment by Gareth Williams on June 16, 2008 at 3:40am

How do you know you are at an Anglesey wedding?
All the guests are sitting on the same side!

Comment by Gareth Williams on June 16, 2008 at 3:39am

WHAT IS THE MOST CONFUSING DAY ON ANGLESEY?
A: FATHERS DAY

Comment by Gareth Williams on June 16, 2008 at 3:35am

At this point I would like to apologise to all Merthyr Ladies (?), or ladies of Merthyr descent, I of course meant Rhyl or Splott or Ely or Caernarfon Or Port Talbot

Comment by Gareth Williams on June 16, 2008 at 3:30am

How can you tell if your secretary is from Merthyr?
There would be tipex correction fluid on the computer screen

Comment by Gareth Williams on June 16, 2008 at 3:29am

What does a Merthyr girl say after sexual intercourse?
'So you are all in the same platoon the?"

Comment by Gareth Williams on June 16, 2008 at 3:28am

Whats the difference between a Merthyr girl and a Merthyr man?
The Merthyr girl 's got a higher sperm count!

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